I Watched the new Resident Evil Series. I made it about six minutes.

I mean, why? Why did you bother? Seems like you were given a second chance after the many bad movies to make something at least decent and you...well...didn't. Sure maybe you were trying to pay homage to those original movies by being bad, but I don't know if that's the way you should have gone.


My first thought a couple of minutes in after some narrative info dumping was, 'After six months living in a tent, she looks great. Where is she getting her hair done? Nice they have salons in the apocalypse.' This harkens back to the one of the later movies where Mila survives some kind of nasty fight/scare/survival episode-I mean she's been through some serious shit-and is in a plane in the next scene looking like she's ready for her new headshots.


My second thought was would you casually sit nearby watching zombies chase a rabbit that you pricked so it would bleed? Just like you're sitting on your front stoop? I thought this was serious work you were doing, but apparently that doesn't mean you have to take it seriously. And yes, she pricks herself accidentally right after that. Who saw that coming? Maybe wear sleeves? You know, just to make sure you don't scratch yourself.


Then there's the one zombie that catches her but the pack five meters back suddenly can't find her sprawled in front of them. Twelve of those things leaped at the rabbit at once earlier. And then there was the giant caterpillar. A caterpillar. I stopped it then. I didn't want to know more.